When Dakeryn offered everyone on the trading floor a three-day, “January juice cleanse”, it sounded too good to be true. Consider it “part of your Christmas bonus” said Rob. Who wouldn’t want to ring in the new year with fresh-squeezed organic juice for free? But when we were told that three days of preparation were essential, I began to wonder if this was such a great deal after all. Chris said I might want to read the instructions. Drink lots of water and get as much rest as possible. Wean yourself off “daily indulgences” such as dairy, caffeine, beer, sushi, wheat, and meat. Before beginning the cleanse.
My three boxes arrived here at the office last Tuesday. By Wednesday I was lean and wean, ready to start consuming those 18 “delicious ideas”. The colours in the jars suggested anything but. After drinking something called “The Greenest” (kale, collards, watercress, cucumber, celery, cilantro, green apple, dandelion, lemon, and ginger) – with feigned smile at my desk – I decided to re-visit the fine print: “If you begin to feel dizziness or fatigue, add chia seeds to your juice”. Nothing about nausea. That evening I watched my kids devour spaghetti bolognese while irritably sipping from a jar labelled “Almond Mylk”. The six jars on day two included “Grounded” (carrot, green apple, lemon, red beet, golden beet). On day three I quit.